2018 is a year that feels particularly long. Just today, I was thinking about planning my next trip to Taiwan before I realized that I had just visited in February of this year. It feels as if a year or two have elapsed since then, although I can’t pinpoint any particular events that would have made time stretch like this. Perhaps, in large part, the change in my perception of time passing is because 2018 was the first year of my life I’ve spent entirely out of school.
In 2018, I grappled a lot with being an “adult”. It wasn’t just that I now had to pay rent every month and that I no longer had summer vacation. Instead, it was the sudden lack of clear milestones in life.
The world at age 23 or 24 (I often forget which one I actually am) is so very different from the world at 13. I find myself wistfully thinking about how there is likely never going to be as clear a path forward as there was at age 13. At 13, I felt it was straightforward – at least for me – study, graduate from high school, and get into university. Somehow, no one ever elaborated upon the rest of the world beyond that. No one ever talked about having to figure out whether it should be my job or my relationships or my other hobbies or my family that matters the most after university. No one talked about the trade offs that exist between all of these options. No one ever mentioned that there wouldn’t be clear goal posts for “success” anymore, and how actually defining success would be harder than anything else.
This past year, I’ve drawn all sorts of diagrams to try to understand the different components of my life. I had countless conversations with friends, mentors, peers, and even some sort-of strangers to ask them what matters the most in their lives and what makes them happy. I asked them how they measured life and time passing, and what sorts of goals they set for themselves. I asked them about their friendships and relationships, and how much those mattered in the grand scheme of their lives (often contextualizing this question relative to their work). I came to the conclusion that people who are happier spend their time proportional to tasks that bring proportional happiness. I looked at my own weeks and wondered if I was doing that. (Still not sure, but it’s definitely my starting point!)
I started writing down meaningful or especially memorable activities I had done each month to see if I was spending my time appropriately on these activities. I started to really ask myself whether the tasks I chose to do were the things I would remember in ten years or if I would regret not having done other activities instead. I tried new approaches to my time, ranging from going for dinner with different friends on weekday evenings and squeezing in time for weeknight drinks to doing all my errands on weekday evenings so my weekends would be free to do nothing if I so pleased. I sometimes ventured outside of my comfort zone only to retreat back into familiarity after I found it unpleasant, but sometimes was also met with pleasant surprise at how nice it was to switch things up. I haven’t really got it down to a formula, but I sometimes wonder if the key (for me, at least) is to never live life the same way for too many weeks at a time.
As I look back, all of this seems to have been an exercise in intentionality. What a buzz word. Through my many conversations I’ve come to realize that I thrive when I have time to reflect on, document and discuss my life experiences. These conversations have led me to two (perhaps disappointing, but perhaps wisening) conclusions: (1) it is impossible to crowdsource answers to life’s big questions, and (2) maybe it doesn’t matter if I don’t get to answers as long as I have had the opportunity to process everything and can describe the why behind my choices and actions and how I feel as a consequence.
Everything is nuanced, everyone has a unique perspective, and the answers don’t just exist in some big book that you get to read when you turn old and “wise.” I sometimes try to draw hasty conclusions in an effort to feel like I am moving along in life and making progress, but I always catch myself. Every statement has ten contradictions and I often find that I don’t feel comfortable sticking to one conclusion. This applies to my judgments and perceptions of the world around me as well as my own self reflections. Ironically, I am encouraged at work to get better at “putting a stake in the ground” when answering questions for our clients. In my personal life, I feel increasingly unable to do so. Where I would have once jumped to a conclusion, I am now my own biggest devil’s advocate.
Anyhow, this wouldn’t be a complete reflection without a list of highlights of 2018 and goals for 2019.
2018
- Spending a week in Asia with my family
- Hosting friends for dinners/potlucks/parties and having guests from out-of-town almost every month (and learning to optimize dishwasher loading)
- Traveling to non-continental states (Alaska, Hawaii) as well as Arizona, Nevada and Colorado (Utah is on the docket for 2019)
- Figuring out that I really like Sauvignon Blanc and finding my favourite go-to wine (from Marlborough, NZ)
- Moving to a cozier, homier condo (with a friendly landlord) and finding/buying our lovely, slightly over-driven Ford Fusion
- Celebrating my birthday with my parents for the first time since 2012
- Getting my wisdom teeth taken out
- Checking off several new recipes by myself, with Eric, or with friends for Sunday Dinner (hit me up for butter chicken/paneer and Thai green curry)
2019
- Save for retirement
- Be open to change if I can’t stick to the plans I’ve made
- Travel to Utah and somewhere new in Asia or Europe
- Take risks, try new things, and explore all of the questions that I will regret not having answered when I am older
- Continue to be intentional with how I spend my time, find a hobby and invest in it
- Be conscientious of what I say, believe, think, and how I convey it to others; support others more in pursuing their passions, hobbies, and dreams (and play Devil’s Advocate less often)
- Eat healthily and master a more diverse array of home cooked dishes for weekday dinners
- Continue to question the different components of my life (work, relationships, etc.) and what “success” looks like in each of these components
- Explore Pinot Noir and find a go-to favourite so I don’t have to keep telling people I only drink Sauvignon Blanc
- Read before bed and journal in my 2019 agenda every night