My love/hate relationship with Denmark…
This place is so clean, so pristine, so safe. It makes me not like going to other places sometimes because I feel stressed and unsafe in comparison. But on the other hand, it is so homogeneous here. When I board my Copenhagen-bound flights at the end of weekends, I always feel this rush of like, “Wow these are Danes. I’m safe again.” Why should I feel that way? Has being here turned me into a racist person who only feels safe around blond hair blue eyed Danes? Does that even make sense?
It is so expensive here but people have such nice things. Everyone, really. I saw a hobo with a Canada Goose jacket one day. Seriously. I would like one too! But I do think that I have become desensitized to teenagers and even elementary school kids with iPhones, everyone with brand name purses, and nice jackets and clothes for all. No one bats an eyelash at the nice things that one another uses. It’s just the standard. People eat well too. I don’t know where the dysfunctional, falling apart at the seams Danes are. I don’t think they exist.
My standards and notions of perfection are skewed. I think about returning to the US or Canada as “going back to real life” – but why should this not count as real life? Obviously it has been functionally an extended vacation but it is also very odd in dynamic. I am not here to just be recreational yet real life does feel so removed.
And study abroad…
Sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time on things that relate to what is going on ‘back at school’ or ‘back at home.’ I sometimes get confused about what home refers to. Is it to Toronto? Or Cambridge? Or my dorm here? I don’t really know and it always changes depending on the day and moment. I miss my friends back at school and home and the familiarity with which we interact. I miss how invested they are in my life and how invested I am in theirs. It’s refreshing to talk to them cause they genuinely care.
I think I should immerse myself more in my world here but I don’t think I need to. I think I have my comfort level of immersion and I do enough to be here and now. I think I am tired of the people around me having a temporary attitude towards things. No one works as hard as they do back at school – admittedly, I contribute to this – but also this doesn’t just apply to academics. I don’t feel like people invest in friendships and relationships as if they expect them to last beyond this semester. I don’t think many people genuinely care and most of us don’t follow up with one another to make sure each other is okay. I do with maybe two people and they’re the ones that I’ve decided I really appreciate and with whom I have a friendship I don’t want to let go.
And myself…
Sometimes I think I get tired of me and all I want to do is escape somewhere else and be some different for awhile. I think that’s the root of my dislike of being in one place for too long. I think it’s because I get tired of the mundane every day and doing the same thing and always seeing what other people are doing and feeling jealous of their lives. I think it’s that I become a bit tired of the regular Isabella and I want to be someone who is envied by others. I know it’s stupid and probably there are always going to be people who envy me and people whom I envy, but some days it really is hard to remember that.
I like to never be in one place for too long. I crave stability and routine but I also crave change. I don’t know how to resolve this tension. I really like to go to new places and be challenged and a little bit uncomfortable. The feeling of turning a corner and not knowing what to expect is just so wonderful. Maybe it’s my age and maybe in a few years I won’t feel this way anymore. Or maybe it’s my permanent state of being.