February 17, 2016

Today I thought a lot about whether I’m glad I studied abroad. I had a really wonderful day that reaffirmed my doubts from earlier this month, when I missed campus, North America, home, familiar faces, etc. I think even when I had those doubts, I knew (deep down) that I’d come around.

A few things that have really helped/come to my awareness recently:

  • Friendships: I accept that many friendships here will be fleeting as we are only here for four months. I’m okay with that and I realize that it’s alright to not be 100% in agreement with someone’s personality as long as we can do certain things together and enjoy ourselves in that process, whether it’s sitting at a coffee shop or going to a museum. On the flip side, I’m also much more comfortable with saying no to certain social activities that don’t interest me and I’m also able to initiate social activities with less fear of judgment or rejection. Moreover, I find that I’m able to be a lot more blunt about who I like, what I’m interested in, and what I want to do. Being able to express myself transparently has made me much happier and more comfortable in my own skin.
  • Loneliness: I’m also happy with spending time on my own. I remind myself that being in a group and having companionship comes with its cost. It often means lack of efficiency, missing that perfect photo moment cause the group is walking, and having to debate what to do or (even worse) fight the apathy of a large group of people who all claim to be “down for anything.” My earphones, some good music, and some sunshine are all I need for a good time, more often than not. And if it gets lonely, I’ve learned to have a few people on hand to whom I can turn.
  • Missing school/home: It’s okay to miss it. When I do, I call people back at home or school and catch up with them. Often times, the mundane facts that they share with me about their everyday reminds me of why I wanted to be abroad in the first place. Perhaps absence does make the heart grow fonder, but reminders of what I’m missing out on include both the positive and the negative, so sometimes they can be helpful reaffirmations of why I left campus and wanted to try something different. I realize that there are a lot of politics, bureaucracy, traditions, habits, customs, etc. that come with being at school and on campus.
  • Free time: Being here means having fewer academic obligations, no extracurriculars, and more domestic chores. I love it though. I end up with a net increase in free time. I have time to cook and do dishes without fretting over needing to do homework because I can manage my workload primarily during the day. I don’t have to go to board meetings and I can sit and gaze out the window, wander the streets till I have to pee really badly, take the long way home just cause, go to the grocery store for the second time in a day to browse, read a novel for my own leisure, and spend four or five hours at dinner with friends. I don’t think I derive any less satisfaction or fulfillment from doing this with my days and this has perhaps been the most enlightening thing so far.

I know that there may be greyer days later on and there will be other obstacles that make me miss home and wonder why I came here in the first place. There certainly have been those days so far in my journey, but I think that as I get more familiar with my living environment, better at straddling the lack of personal space here in my LLC, learn to cook more familiar foods, and find more ways to spend my free time in fulfilling ways, those days will diminish in number.

Perhaps today, the hardest questions that came to mind were the following ones:

  • How will school feel when I go back? Will I fall back into the same traps of extracurriculars and hassled meals and scheduled everything, with no room for spontaneity the way I live here?
  • Will I forget how good this felt? Or will I frown upon the world at school and the way things work?
  • Am I foolish for enjoying this? Perhaps if I did this for more days, I’d stop enjoying it.
  • Will I be able to live a life like this in the future when I graduate? When I have a full time job?
  • Should I have done this earlier? Would an extra semester studying abroad have made me realize this earlier?
  • Is this truly what matters in life?

On an unrelated note, I think I’ve realized that lately I’m really growing up. I think about things in a different way than I used to – perhaps with more consideration for others and their feelings? It’s harder to reach conclusions because I can’t just decide based on myself – the devil’s advocate just won’t go away and I always realize there are multiple perspectives to any issue. There are no answers to big questions because it entirely depends on your perspective. When I think about the future, I realize I am so close to the brink of real life that I should cherish the freedom and time as a student I have left. I am starting to count the days. I am starting to feel scared that maybe I’m not living enough and need to do more of it. I question whether I spend my minutes wisely and on the right things. I wonder what it means to live a meaningful life and feel pressed for time to figure it out. When I have a moment or an experience that feels so fulfilling, I can’t stop analyzing it to figure out how to reproduce it for myself in the future. I worry that it doesn’t get any better than it currently is.

Lots of thoughts, lots of questions as usual. Until next time.